How to stay out of trouble with HR

Listen, this isn’t the first time you have felt this way. Wanting to tell someone at work to fuck off is normal. But how do you do it? How do you get around that Toby Flinderson of a HR rep, while expressing how you really feel? I’ll fucking tell ya how. 

Having rewatched the American Office many times over the years I have learnt a few things here and there. Like how to dish out subtle forms of shade and that Micheal is Beyonce, Always. One more important things I noticed is that Michael Scott wasn’t very good at being passive, or at hiding his intentions. So after studying a small amount on the subject, ie re-watching the office for the 8th thousand-time and reading many of, uhhh let’s say “educational books” has provided me with the tools I need to jump through those metaphorical HR hoops. 

First up, find your target. 

Who grinds your gears? Who gives you intrusive thoughts that include picking up the stapler and ramming the fucker into their forehead? Don’t tell me who your target is. Don’t tell anyone. You can’t go running around the cubicles involving people, they can later testify to your pettiness towards the unholy individual if ever questioned.
Once your target is clear think about it, for the love of God don’t type shit up on your work computer. THEY SEE YOU! Note it down in a boring looking notebook and be sure to use something very clinical looking. No one will want to read last quarter’s financial reports.

Once the devil is acknowledged you can get to work on your holy water spritzer you plan on serving. Personally I like to serve mine up ice cold, but you might like to bring a little heat to the action. Maybe a new pen that reads “Hail Satan” that you can offer to lend her, once all of hers magically “disappear” that is. Or you can flaunt that new KeepCup that says “I woke up feeling deadly”. That is sure to inspire her Sunday guilts. 

You could even if one dared too; make it a little personal. Does the twat have a nickname that isn’t so commonly known? Perhaps you have already nicknamed them in your head? Think of it as a pet name. A pet name that only you and maybe a few of your close friends know about…. let’s say it’s Karen. You can get creative with it, show off your new flask with “Karen’s at it again” on the front, You could fill it with anything nonalcoholic (if your work is vanilla-like that).
Get creative with it!  You have so many options, so many reasons to clap back. Don’t be a dumbass about it. Be sure to not include their real name directly and do not, for the love of god do not ram that stapler into their head. 

Get a ”Go duck yourself pen 🦆” and for the love of all that is holy stay out of trouble with HR! 

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